mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
