The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
