he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
