He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
