Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
