i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
