There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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