Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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