I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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