something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
