I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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