it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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