Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
