Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
