Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
