I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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