every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
