the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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