I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
