so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
