I feel like abortions should bother me more
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She even gives head with a lisp.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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