Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
