I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
