you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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