Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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