Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
