When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
