I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
