so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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