Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
