Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
