The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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