I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Randomize
