Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
