I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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