this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
