how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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