I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
