i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
