Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
