We're facebook friends in real life
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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