Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
