Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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