i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
