Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
