Too much gin, very little bucket
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's shark week go big or go home
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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