I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
