a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
