My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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