Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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