I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
