he thought i was a dude.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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