and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
